Ben's Reflection on Nonviolent Communication
This article is inspired by a true story from Ben Lee.
Ben told me about a truly heart-warming day for when he met with his Nonviolent Communication (NVC) teacher, James Prieto, to discuss his experience in NVC. James not only inspired Ben but also equipped him with the skills to communicate in a compassionate and understanding way.
Ben can still vividly remember the brisk autumn of 2021 when he was chatting with a friend on a hiking trail. Even though he had his best smile on, he was feeling anything but cheerful. He was feeling disconnected from himself and others. Even with years of effort to improve his communication skills and self-discovery, Ben still yearned for a way to connect with himself and others in a meaningful way.
But then, his friend told him about the book "Nonviolent Communication" by Marshall Rosenberg. She was reading it with a friend and suggested that Ben give it a try. Ben bought a copy that very day and spent the following nights reading and absorbing its teachings. The book gave him the confidence and tools he needed to put NVC into practice in his daily life.
However, when he tried to use NVC with his loved ones, he faced resistance and pushback. His sister felt that his approach was too rigid, and his parents felt like they were being analyzed. Ben was hurt and lost, not knowing what to do next.
But, as the quote by Les Brown goes, "When life knocks you down, try to land on your back. Because if you can look up, you can get up." And that's exactly what Ben did. While searching online for resources, he found a NVC workshop from James that expanded his perspectives and provided him with the guidance he needed to build meaningful connections with others.
This blog will cover some of the reflections Ben shared with me on his NVC journey and how he continued to grow and connect with himself and others in new ways.
The intentions are important
During the very first class Ben attended, the instructor James talked about the concept of “Zero Step” before starting NVC from Jim & Jori Manske. The idea of the Zero Step is to be present with the intention to connect and bring openness to outcomes. Without the Zero Step, NVC can become a mechanical and analytical process and may be experienced as manipulative. And if NVC is mixed with the intention to be corrective, the practice actually becomes judgemental and not connecting. This was eye-opening for Ben because he realized that he was focusing more on him own practice of NVC, his desire to make himself feel connected rather than to connect with the heart of our experience and the experience of others.
The use of “Classical” NVC is coming across as too formal and distant.
Ben also mentioned what he have been doing before attending the workshop is what some might refer to as Classic NVC. It is speaking in a clear structure so it is obvious he is expressing observation, feeling, need and request. It is using the sentence structure “When you said/when I see…., I felt…., because I am needing…, would you be willing to….?” Just like Ben’s sister mentioned, it was distancing and seemed unnatural for her. What Ben is now practicing is speaking with the spirit of NVC in a more natural language, pausing to think or perhaps struggling to find a way to articulate feelings and needs in full sentences, making empathy guesses. And sometimes just using a few parts of the four elements of NVC instead of going through all the four steps.
Conveying the context is also supportive for my conversations with others
“Why do you have to make things so serious?” Ben told me about this time when he felt a little taken aback when he heard feedback from some loved ones that they felt pressured or exhausted in their conversations with Ben. It was a tough pill to swallow because all Ben really wanted was to understand them better and have meaningful exchanges. But, through the NVC classes, he learned about the power of context setting before conversations. Instead of just assuming that others would understand his perspective, he now strive to intentionally create a safe space for him to connect with others.
One day, Ben got asked a similar question, "Why do you have to make things so serious?" again by his parents. He explained to his dad that he wanted to continue to learn about his dad’s world view and life values, and then establish a foundation of trust for them to lean on in the future. Ben told his father “We never know when one of us might be going through a tough time and may need extra patience or understanding. By building this trust now, I hope our interactions will always be supportive and nurturing, no matter what life throws our way.”
It’s not just the feelings vocabulary, needs vocabulary are equally important.
Ben signed up for an office hour with James, hoping to gain some guidance on how to feel more confident in his practice. James shared with Ben a helpful tip that has made a big impact on his own journey with NVC. James told Ben that having a list of feelings and needs readily available, whether on the fridge or around the house, has helped him to deepen his connections with others. Just by having more words at Ben’s disposal, he noticed himself feeling more present and engaged in conversations. He even found that his empathy guesses were landing better and resonating more with those he was speaking with, as they opened up and shared their stories with him.
Practicing NVC in Chinese was like learning NVC and a complete new language again
Ben mentioned that communicating in his native language, Mandarin Chinese, has sometimes posed a challenge for him when it comes to effectively expressing his thoughts and emotions. Words don't always translate directly, and he've found that articulating his thoughts requires a bit more effort. For example, the idea of connection in Mandarin has a different connotation, being more commonly used to describe physical connections rather than emotional ones. When he tried to convey the idea of making meaningful connections through conversation in English, it's a simple concept. However, in Mandarin, he had to be much more explicit in his language.
“To make meaningful connection through conversation”
我希望能透過對話來，對你的思維和心情有更多了解，讓我們彼此有更深層心與心的聯繫 (I would like to understand more about your thought and feelings through conversation. So that we can have a deeper feeling of a heart-to-heart ties)”.
Additionally, the vocabulary for feelings and needs also doesn’t always have a direct translation. For example
“I value assurance” might be translated to ”我重視對自己的能力有信心和肯定 (I value having confidence and affirmation to my abilities)”
“Agency is important to me” -> “能為自己做主、做選擇以及相信自己能有能力去做到各種事項對我來說很重要” (To be able to have a sense of control for myself, to make decision for myself, and to believe in my abilities to tackle various tasks is important to me)
“I feel overwhelmed” -> “我感到措手不及” / “我感到超出負荷” / “我感到難以承受” / “我感到應接不暇”
Integrating the practice of NVC into daily life is an ongoing progress
Embracing NVC has become a natural part of Ben’s daily routine. He finds himself utilizing the four components of Observation, Feelings, Needs, and Requests in various ways in his conversations, both with others and with himself. He might use observation techniques with a friend one day, and then incorporate a blend of observations and feelings in a conversation with his sister. At work, he might experiment with different combinations of needs, feelings, and requests. Despite the challenges he still face, he is grateful for each encounter and conversation as they offer new opportunities for growth and learning. As he has been incorporating NVC into his daily life over the years, he noticed a significant increase in his comfort level. In 2021, he would rated myself at just 1 out of 10, but now in 2023, he is proud to say he feel confident at a 9 out of 10. Continuing to integrate NVC into his life, he is humbled by the journey ahead and the potential for personal growth.
The reason why I am writing all these is to share how the practice of NVC impacted Ben’s life. Just over a year of practicing NVC has already brought so much growth and transformation in Ben’s relationships with his loved ones. His bond with his father has deepened and they now share a strong emotional connection through both the ups and downs of life. Ben’s dad even shared with me that he feels grateful to be learning and growing alongside his son. Although discussing emotions wasn't previously familiar to him, Ben’s dad has seen the positive impact that his conversation with Ben have had on their relationship. Ben’s mother now feels empowered to communicate in a way that feels right for her, reducing any stress or discomfort in her conversations with Ben. Ben’s sister and him have strengthened their bond through compassionate listening and empathetic exchange. Trust and connection are no longer just abstract ideas in Ben’s family, but something that they actively work to cultivate and maintain.
Find out more about James Prieto’s work here on Compassionate Connecting.
關於社會情緒學習 (Social Emotional Learning)
社會情緒學習 (SEL) 是教育和人類發展不可或缺的一部分。 社會情緒學習是所有孩童和成年人透過獲取以及應用知識、技能和態度來發展健康的自我認識、情緒的管理和實現個人和集體目標，同時也精進情緒的表達的能力和對他人的同理心，而此更能去建立和健康的、互相扶持的人際關係。
